Nuns Are People Too!

Father Dougal McGuire and Father Ted Crilly.
Father Dougal McGuire and Father Ted Crilly.

Bishop Brennan: Well, I hope you’re not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?
Father Jack: Feck off!
Bishop Brennan: What did you say?! [stands up]
Father Ted: Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?
Bishop Brennan: Fat chance! You’re here until I tell you otherwise! You think I’d let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]
Father Ted: Yes, but surely I’m alright.
Bishop Brennan: No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.
Father Ted: I don’t know what happened to that money!
Bishop Brennan: Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this… cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident…
Father Ted: Yes, that was unfortunate!
Bishop Brennan: The amount of peoples’ lives irreperably damaged!
Dougal: They were only nuns.
Bishop Brennan: Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!
Father Ted: Film? What film?
Bishop Brennan: This blasphemous film, “The Passion of St. Tibulus“. Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing’s being shown on this godforsaken dump!
Dougal: Oh yes, that’s right. Is it any good, do you know?
Bishop Brennan: I don’t care if it’s any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that’s where you and Larry and Moe come in.
Father Ted: What do you mean?
Bishop Brennan: Well, I know that normally you couldn’t organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it’s up to you to make the Church’s position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!
Dougal: Oh, thanks very much.
Bishop Brennan: Listen, this is very serious. Don’t make a balls of it, right? I’ll be in touch.
Father Ted: Bishop, this isn’t really my area.
Bishop Brennan: Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you’re told, right?!?

— Father Ted, The Passion of St. Tibulus.

Curator: Christian Clay Columba Campbell

Christian Clay Columba Campbell is a Roman Catholic of the Anglican Use. As Senior Warden of the Cathedral of the Incarnation (Orlando, FL), he organised the process by which the parish accepted the Apostolic Constitution Anglicanorum coetibus, petitioning to join the Catholic Church. The Anglican Cathedral is now the Church of the Incarnation in the Personal Ordinariate of the Chair of St. Peter. Personal queries should be directed to me at eccentricbliss dot com.

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