This is the original sales pitch to CBS for the television programme, The Muppet Show. And God will look down on us, and smile on us, and He will say, “Let them have a 40 (percent) share!”
Kermit the Frog: Okay, time, once again, for that furry, fuzzy, funnyman, fabulous, free-wheeling, fast and frantic Fozzie Bear! Fozzie Bear: Hey hey hey hey hey! W-wait, wait wait wait, froggy, not so fast. Tonight, I’m going to use your assistance. Yes, sir. You and I are going to tell the world’s funniest joke. This […]
Father Ted: It’s true what they say about these career women. They’re very aggressive. Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn’t she, Ted? Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn’t hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that… Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language. Father […]
Bishop O’Neill: So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you’ve been having with beliefs or anything like that? Father Dougal: Well you know the way God made us, and he’s looking down at us from heaven? Bishop O’Neill: Yeah… Father Dougal: And then his Son came down […]
The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money… Father Ted: God Almighty, that’s going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money? Father Dougal: Hmmm…. Father Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (gives knowing glance) Father Dougal: […]
Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife? Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife. Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted! Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the Church? Was it like, “Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest”?
Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He’s dead! Father Dougal: What’s the problem there, sister? Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you’re not dead again are you? Father Dougal (giving the Last Rites): Well we are gathered here today to join two people… oh wait, that’s not it… Father Dougal: So anyway, you’re […]
Father Dougal: God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying Our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all. Father Ted: No… no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there. Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn’t it Ted? — […]
Pero las llamas son peligrosas. Si usted ve una llama donde hay gente nadando, usted gritar: ¡Cuidado! ¡Llamas!” — Spanish TV Host, Monty Python’s Flying Circus, The Ant, an Introduction [1.09].
Father Dougal: Hello Len. Bishop Brennan: Don’t call me Len, you little prick. I’m a bishop! Father Dougal: Oh right. Well done.