Bishop Brennan: Well, I hope you’re not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself? Father Jack: Feck off! Bishop Brennan: What did you say?! [stands up] Father Ted: Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes? Bishop Brennan: Fat chance! You’re here until […]
Father Ted: Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags, and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but — this is water. Sister Assumpta: That’s right. Father Ted: Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where’s […]
Father Ted: It’s true what they say about these career women. They’re very aggressive. Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn’t she, Ted? Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn’t hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that… Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language. Father […]
Bishop O’Neill: So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you’ve been having with beliefs or anything like that? Father Dougal: Well you know the way God made us, and he’s looking down at us from heaven? Bishop O’Neill: Yeah… Father Dougal: And then his Son came down […]
The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money… Father Ted: God Almighty, that’s going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money? Father Dougal: Hmmm…. Father Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (gives knowing glance) Father Dougal: […]
Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife? Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife. Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted! Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the Church? Was it like, “Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest”?
Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He’s dead! Father Dougal: What’s the problem there, sister? Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you’re not dead again are you? Father Dougal (giving the Last Rites): Well we are gathered here today to join two people… oh wait, that’s not it… Father Dougal: So anyway, you’re […]
Father Dougal: God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying Our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all. Father Ted: No… no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there. Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn’t it Ted? — […]
Father Dougal: Hello Len. Bishop Brennan: Don’t call me Len, you little prick. I’m a bishop! Father Dougal: Oh right. Well done.