Nuns Are People Too!

Father Dougal McGuire and Father Ted Crilly.
Father Dougal McGuire and Father Ted Crilly.

Bishop Brennan: Well, I hope you’re not doing too much damage here, huh? Jack, are you behaving yourself?
Father Jack: Feck off!
Bishop Brennan: What did you say?! [stands up]
Father Ted: Your Grace, what brings you to these parts? Thinking of sending us back to our parishes?
Bishop Brennan: Fat chance! You’re here until I tell you otherwise! You think I’d let Jack back into a normal parish after the wedding he did in Athlone, huh?! [Jack grins lecherously and drools]
Father Ted: Yes, but surely I’m alright.
Bishop Brennan: No, no, no, you are here until all of that money is accounted for.
Father Ted: I don’t know what happened to that money!
Bishop Brennan: Enough! You went to Las Vegas, whilst that poor child was supposed to be in Lourdes! [he moves to Dougal] And as for this… cabbage! The mere idea of letting him back into the real world, after the Blackrock incident…
Father Ted: Yes, that was unfortunate!
Bishop Brennan: The amount of peoples’ lives irreperably damaged!
Dougal: They were only nuns.
Bishop Brennan: Nuns are people too! My God, the strings I had to pull to stop the Vatican getting involved! I do not want to talk about it! I just want to get this film business over and done with!
Father Ted: Film? What film?
Bishop Brennan: This blasphemous film, “The Passion of St. Tibulus“. Now, His Holiness has banned it, but because of some loophole, the bloody thing’s being shown on this godforsaken dump!
Dougal: Oh yes, that’s right. Is it any good, do you know?
Bishop Brennan: I don’t care if it’s any good; all I know is we have to be seen to be taking a stand against it. I have been brought back from my holiday in California to sort it out! And that’s where you and Larry and Moe come in.
Father Ted: What do you mean?
Bishop Brennan: Well, I know that normally you couldn’t organise a nun shoot in a nunnery, but despite that, it’s up to you to make the Church’s position clear. Make some kind of a protest at the cinema; even you should be able to manage that!
Dougal: Oh, thanks very much.
Bishop Brennan: Listen, this is very serious. Don’t make a balls of it, right? I’ll be in touch.
Father Ted: Bishop, this isn’t really my area.
Bishop Brennan: Nothing is your area, Crilly. You do not have an area. Unless it is some sort of play area, with sandcastles, and buckets, and spades! Now do what you’re told, right?!?

— Father Ted, The Passion of St. Tibulus.

Our Lord’s Plan for the World

Father Dougal McGuire.
Father Dougal McGuire.

Father Ted: Sister Assumpta, you know we really are only up for the basic booze, fags, and rollerblading deal. I mean, the getting up early thing is great but — this is water.

Sister Assumpta: That’s right.

Father Ted: Alright, alright, having a bit of a laugh with the big thickos from the island. Where’s our real breakfast?

Father Dougal: Ted, I’d love a Pop-Tart.

Father Ted: Yes, Father Dougal likes his Pop-Tarts first thing in the morning.

Sister Assumpta: I really don’t think Pop-Tarts have any place in Our Lord’s plan for the world.

Father Ted: I think they have as much a place as anything else. Maybe Our Lord doesn’t take a personal interest in them, but I’m sure He delegates them to someone almost as important.

Father Dougal: What about… Frosties?

Father Ted: Again, same thing: He might not have come up with the idea, but He’d be the one Who’d give them the green light.

Father Dougal: Oh right. But if you take something like, say, Sugar Puffs, now or Lucky Charms…

Sister Assumpta: FATHERS, COULD YOU PLEASE! Could you please stop having that conversation, finish your breakfast, and come outside for your daily punishment.

You Wouldn’t Hear It from a Docker!

Father Dougal McGuire.

Father Ted: It’s true what they say about these career women. They’re very aggressive.

Father Dougal: Yeah, she was very aggressive, wasn’t she, Ted?

Father Ted: Oh, and the language out of her. You wouldn’t hear it from a docker! Fecking this, fecking that…

Father Dougal: Ah, you would. They use very bad language.

Father Ted: Effin’ this and effin’ that…

Father Dougal: Oh, it was much worse than that, Ted, she was saying fu…

Father Ted: Now, Dougal!

Is Your Faith Ever Tested?

Father Dougal McGuire.

Bishop O’Neill: So Father, do you ever have any doubts? Is your faith ever tested? Any trouble you’ve been having with beliefs or anything like that?

Father Dougal: Well you know the way God made us, and he’s looking down at us from heaven?

Bishop O’Neill: Yeah…

Father Dougal: And then his Son came down and saved everyone and all that?

Bishop O’Neill: Uh huh…

Father Dougal: And when we die, we’re all going to go to heaven?

Bishop O’Neill: Yes. What about it?

Father Dougal: Well that’s the part I have trouble with!

Where Are We Going to Get the Guns?

Father Dougal McGuire.

The parochial house roof is leaking, and they need to raise some money…

Father Ted: God Almighty, that’s going to cost a fortune to fix. Where are we going to get the money? Think, Dougal, how can we raise some money?

Father Dougal: Hmmm….

Father Ted: Yes, I know. Aha! (gives knowing glance)

Father Dougal: Aha!

Father Ted: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Father Dougal: I think so, Ted. But now wait, I’m not sure…

Father Ted: What?

Father Dougal: I mean, it is a big step, and err, where are we going to get the guns?

Father Ted: (mystified) What are you talking about?

Father Dougal: Oh, wait a minute now — actually I might have been thinking about something different…

Father Ted: You thought we were going to rob a bank, didn’t you?

Father Dougal: I did, yeah!

Father Ted: Well, Dougal, this isn’t a Bruce Willis film. I was thinking more along the lines of a raffle.

Generally Priests Have a Very Strong Belief in the Afterlife

Father Dougal McGuire.

Father Dougal: Ted do you believe in the afterlife?

Father Ted: Well generally priests have a very strong belief in the afterlife.

Father Dougal: Ooh I wish I had your faith Ted!

Father Ted: Dougal, how did you get into the Church? Was it like, “Collect twelve crisp packets and become a priest”?

The Heart Stopping Is the Real Danger Sign

Father Dougal McGuire.

Sister Monica: Oh Holy Mother of God! He’s dead!

Father Dougal: What’s the problem there, sister?

Father Ted (to Father Jack): Ah come on Father, you’re not dead again are you?

Father Dougal (giving the Last Rites): Well we are gathered here today to join two people… oh wait, that’s not it…

Father Dougal: So anyway, you’re there now with Our Lord and Stalin and Bob Marley and my own parents…

Father Ted: Right, well it looks bad alright. I called Dr. Sinnot, I gave him the symptoms over the phone and he said he’s probably dead alright. The pulse not being there is bad enough, but the heart stopping is the real danger sign.

I’ve Heard About Those Cults

Father Dougal McGuire.

Father Dougal: God Ted, I’ve heard about those cults. Everyone dressing in black and saying Our Lord’s going to come back and judge us all.

Father Ted: No… no Dougal, that’s us. That’s Catholicism you’re talking about there.

Father Dougal: Whole of this Catholic thing is a bit of a puzzler, isn’t it Ted?

— Father Ted, Old Grey Whistle Theft.

Oh Right. Well Done.

Fr. Dougal McGuire.

Father Dougal: Hello Len.

Bishop Brennan: Don’t call me Len, you little prick. I’m a bishop!

Father Dougal: Oh right. Well done.